Kindness and Good Will

Jul 31

Our founder, Bl. Louis Brisson, OSFS, wrote this:

“In the case of difficult questions, when contrary opinions clash, you may of course defend your point of view. However, do so with kindness and good will so you may win your point because of your conciliatory tone. You will make a good impression by your insightful presentation.” (Chapter 1891: 6)

I find his words very appropriate for today. We live in divisive times almost everywhere one looks and much of what I hear and read is vitriolic. We seem to have lost basic respect for people, especially those who do not think or act like we do.

When I was in grade school, our principal, Sr. Licinia, had a big courtesy bulletin board outside her office. Each month there was a new virtue or courtesy action and attitude to practice. The entire school community was asked to pay special attention to that item so that we would grow in basic respect for other people and learn how to get along with one another. Some were easier, like remembering to say please or thank you. Others were more difficult like learning to listen to others, especially those with whom we disagreed, and learning how to speak to others in ways that still respected them when trying to share our point of view.

I remember once in 8th grade, the class was divided about how to accept a new student in the school. On a day when that student was absent, Sr. Caroleen, our homeroom teacher, started a discussion about how we could be more welcoming. At first, people were polite but then it began to turn into a shouting match. Sr. Caroleen rang her bell to quiet us and then gave us a lesson in respectful disagreement. I’ve never forgotten that day, although I haven’t always practiced what she taught us.

We live in a time of difficult questions with contrary opinions. Some among us practice Fr. Brisson’s words: “Do so with kindness and good will.” Others try to shout down their opponent without truly listening to what the other person has to say. We go to the ad hominem argument and attack the person rather than the opinion. This is the exact opposite of respect and courtesy and only makes the walls between us higher and higher. We lose any chance of being able to find a common ground on which to meet.

The practice of Synodality in the Church calls us to listen deeply to the other and then share our opinion with kindness and good will, even if we are forceful at times because we believe in our view so strongly. Pope Francis is calling us as a Church to make this our way of proceeding. Fr. Barry Strong, OSFS, our newly re-elected Superior General, is also calling us to make this our way of proceeding in the community of the Oblates of St. Francis de Sales. It is directly in line with the spirituality of St. Francis de Sales, who was known as the “Gentleman Saint.” St. Francis de Sales held onto a conciliatory tone at a time when the Body of Christ, the Christian community, was so divided that wars were fought and people were killed. He made a good impression by his insightful presentations through preaching and pamphlets meant to invite the Reformers to consider another way of viewing the Church. Although he was not able to go in person into his diocese in Geneva, Switzerland, his message traveled by other means, some of which were very influential, even more influential than the wars that were fought!

I believe that we can learn much from the example of St. Francis de Sales and the words of Fr. Louis Brisson. When we disagree with someone or something vehemently, our first response can be to close our ears and open our mouths in ways that are not helpful. When we listen from the heart and speak with kindness and good will, true change can be the result. This is another form of the heart-to-heart work that is our Salesian tradition. As St. Francis de Sales said: “Our words must come from the heart, not the mouth. The tongue speaks only to the ears. The heart speaks to the heart.”

During these divisive times let us remember Fr. Brisson’s words and put them into practice. Maybe we can make our own bulletin board that reminds us: kindness and good will win out.

May God be praised.